


When Love and Hate Collide

by PattRose



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-27
Updated: 2011-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-15 03:13:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/156454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PattRose/pseuds/PattRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair digs into Jim’s past and finds something he doesn’t know how to deal with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Love and Hate Collide

Title: When Love and Hate Collide  
Author: Patt  
Beta: Kelly  
Summary: Blair digs into Jim’s past and finds something he doesn’t know how to deal with.  
Warnings: Bad language and some talk of early sexual abuse.  
Prompt: You’ve gotta destroy the evidence.  
Word count: 5065  
Email: PattRose1@aol.com  
Notes: Thank you to Kelly for the beta, Lisa for naming this baby and thank you to Escargoat for the prompt and finally thank you to Jen for doing this again this year.

 

When Love and Hate Collide  
By Patt

 

Blair was happy to be home from the station and wished that Jim was going to be home too. However poor Jim was working a stakeout, so Blair had the loft alone to himself all night.

Blair had Jim on his mind all day long because Jim seemed moody and very quiet lately. Quiet even for Jim Ellison. Blair thought about it and wondered if something had happened at work and he didn’t know about it. Did someone say something about Blair still living in Jim’s loft? People talked about that stuff all the time. Jim kept telling Blair that he didn’t have to worry about it, he ignored everything that was said. Jim insisted on not being out at the station. But it all came down to the fact that there was something wrong. Could it be that?

Blair decided he needed to get some help on this. He dialed Megan Connor’s number and she answered on the first ring, “What?”

“Wow, you answer the phone a lot like Jim does,” Blair joked.

“Hi Sandy, what’s up?” Connor asked.

“Have you noticed how quiet Jim has been lately?” Blair inquired.

“He’s always quiet, Sandy. He never says too much. Although, the other day I told him a joke that was very funny and he didn’t even smile. He just walked away. Usually Jimbo likes my jokes. He says Aussies have awesome senses of humor.”

“So you noticed him being quiet too?” Blair asked once again.

“He probably has some family thing on his mind, don’t you suppose with the holiday coming up and all,” Connor suggested.

“What holiday?” Blair wondered aloud.

“Mother’s Day, you twit. Did you forget? It’s in three weeks. That’s got to be one time of year that Jim doesn’t like to be reminded of the day,” Connor said.

“Oh my god, I forgot all about it. You’re probably right. Do you think I should ask him about it? Get him to talk about his mom to me?”

“Sandy, I don’t think that Jim wants to talk about his mom to anyone. If he did, he would have brought it up years ago. He just wants to leave it alone and I say, do just that. Leave him be.”

“What if I did some research and tried to find his mom for him. What do you think of that?” Blair questioned.

“I think you’re insane. Jim doesn’t want to know about his mother or he would have done it himself before now. Let him be, Sandy.”

“Well, I gotta go. Take care,” Blair said before hanging up.

~~~~~

Connor hung up her phone and just knew that Sandy was going to make trouble. He had a way of getting into your life and not letting go until he had helped you in some way. She was sure that Jim didn’t want to know about his mother, or he would have done so himself. So why would Sandy think he should do it? Sighing she got up to get herself a beer and sit down and watch the basketball game. She would love to watch it with Sandy, but she knew he was going to be busy tonight looking up things on the internet. She was going to stay out of it, if it killed her. She took a swig of the ice cold beer and when the Jags scored she hollered and forgot all about Sandy.

~~~~~

Blair fired up his laptop in the office, so that if Jim came home he wouldn’t catch him sneaking around behind his back. Blair was only doing it for Jim’s own good. Jim probably missed his mother and wondered why she left him and Steven. Jim only had William’s word for why she left, it could have been something else completely. Blair started looking up Grace Ellison and searched for a long while before he was starting to give up. Then he decided to look and see if she had a record on file. She might have gotten a bunch of tickets or something and didn’t pay them. That would give Blair some place to start. He typed in what he knew about Grace and was surprised when it showed she had been in prison. Blair stood up for a little while and paced.

Prison? Why in the hell would she have been in prison? Is that why she left?

He then went to Federal Prison Inmate Locator as he sat back down and started to do another search on what the charges had been. He found her right away. The Department of Corrections had pointed him in the right direction. It helped that Blair had the police database program and his computer connected. Jim told him it might come in handy some day, and he was right. Blair looked up when Grace did prison time and saw it was when Jim was eight years old. Then he saw the charge and almost fell over from shock. She served time for child molestation. It didn’t say who, but Blair could guess on the who part. Fuck…No wonder William kept it a secret.

Blair printed up all of the information that he would need to help find her, although he wondered what he was going to do with that. It wasn’t like he could tell Jim, ‘Hey Jim, guess what?’ and have life go on as it was before.

Blair didn’t know what he was going to do. He put the papers he had printed up in his sock and underwear drawer. He knew Jim never went into his dresser in the office. Jim wouldn’t think of looking for anything in the office. It wasn’t in his nature. Blair was the one that was nosey and had to learn everything about everyone.

What if it was Jim that was molested? Does he know? Did he repress it like most of his life? Should anyone tell him about his mother?” All good questions, but Blair wasn’t ready for any answers until he found out more about Jim’s mom. What had happened to her for all of these years? Blair was going to find out and see if he could bring some of this to light. What he would do with it, was another story.

Blair then looked for her on the National Sex Offender Registry and found out she lived in Albuquerque, New Mexico. She had lived there for the last 25 years.

Why didn’t Jim look up his mom? Didn’t he wonder about her? Or did he look it up and found the same thing that I’m finding?

These were good questions that needed answers. Now wasn’t the time. Blair printed up the next pages so that he had an address and everything. Not that Jim was probably ever going to use it, but just in case he had questions, it would all be in the folder he was going to make up.

Blair did notice that her name was now Grace Benning. She must have married or that was her maiden name.

Blair put all of those papers in the top drawer with the others and sat on the futon to think. Would he ever tell something like this to Jim? Would Jim even want to know, if he didn’t already know? Blair didn’t think he would. Blair was going to do a little more research at a later date and then decide what he was going to do.

Blair suddenly felt a little guilty about doing any of this. He had no right to search into Jim’s background. He had no right to look for Jim’s mom. Jim had every right to his privacy and that’s what Blair finally decided on.

He turned off the program and got off of his computer. He walked into the kitchen to get himself a beer when Jim walked in. Blair’s heart was beating triple time for whatever reason and Jim noticed right away.

“Chief, it’s just me. What’s up?” Jim asked happily.

“Why are you home already?” Blair asked.

“Gee, it’s good to see you too,” Jim answered.

“Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting you this soon. How was the stakeout?” Blair asked hoping he sounded normal. You aren’t normal you moron. You did something you shouldn’t have done.

Jim smiled at him and said, “It was a dead stakeout.” Jim laughed and laughed like he had just told the funniest joke.

“The guy died?” Blair inquired.

“Yeah, we waited and the cops got called to his apartment by his girlfriend. She found him dead of an overdose when she got there. Not that it matters that much, but I wouldn’t put it past someone to murder him. He was a scumbag. Even his girlfriend thought so. He was a child molester. I hate them worse then anything in the world, don’t you?” Jim asked.

“Oh yeah, I sure do,” Blair replied.

“Okay, what’s wrong with you? You’re jumpy and nervous. Did someone come by or call while I was gone?” Jim wondered.

“No, I only talked to Connor. That might be it. She makes anyone jumpy, know what I mean?” Blair teased.

“We’ll drop it for now, but if you need to talk to someone, you know where I am, right?” Jim questioned.

“Oh yeah, man. I know that I can rely on you for anything. Just like you can rely on me. You could tell me anything. I‘m always here for you,” Blair answered.

Jim grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down in front of the television and asked, “So who’s winning the game?”

“Hell if I know. I forgot the game was on,” Blair replied.

“Do you have a fucking fever or something? You never forget the games. Come on, sit down and watch it with me,” Jim said as he patted the sofa cushion next to him. He had missed Blair all evening and couldn’t wait to just sit with him and watch the game.

Blair sat down and drank his beer, fairly quickly. “So you got one dead child molester off the street. That’s a good day’s work, right?”

Jim looked strangely at him and said, “Blair, it’s not like I killed him or anything. He died of an overdose of heroin. He probably died of natural causes. But yeah, we’re glad to have one more off the street.”

“That’s what I meant, it just came out wrong,” Blair stated.

They watched the game in silence for the next half hour and Blair said, “Well, I need to get ready for bed.”

“Chief, the game only has about twenty minutes left. I think you can hang on that long, don’t you agree?” Jim joked.

“Hell yah. Let’s have some popcorn with our beer,” Blair got up to make the popcorn.

“Don’t make any for me, I lost my appetite earlier. Just sit here and watch the game with me,” Jim patted the cushion again.

Blair sat back down next to Jim, but Jim could tell that something was up with Blair. He was extremely nervous and that made Jim nervous.

“So what did you do all night tonight?” Jim asked.

“I read a book in the office. Good book. Fast read,” Blair answered too quickly.

Jim turned and looked at Blair and finally said, “How about a kiss hello? You haven’t touched me since I got home.”

“Oh man, I’m sorry,” Blair said as he went into Jim’s arms and gave Jim a much needed kiss. But Jim could tell there was something wrong even with the kiss.

“What book did you read tonight?” Jim inquired.

Blair looked at Jim and knew Jim was questioning his answer so he said, “Finger Lickin’ Fifteen. I loved it so much the first time, I decided to read it again. I mean, I didn’t finish the entire thing, but I still laughed during most of it. Didn’t you love that one?”

“Yeah, I did love it. I’m glad you had something to do tonight to keep you out of trouble,” Jim said.

The buzzer sounded for the end of the game.

“I knew the Jags were going to win tonight. I just knew it,” Blair said happily.

“I had a feeling,” Jim agreed.

“Time to get ready for bed, huh?” Blair asked.

“You can go first, Chief,” Jim replied.

Blair went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth, twice trying to get the taste out of his mouth. Telling lies gave him a foul taste. It was one of his weaknesses. He scrubbed his face and dried off and opened the door to find Jim standing there.

“Geeze, you scared me,” Blair said startled.

“I was just waiting for my turn, but I didn’t think you were ever going to finish brushing your teeth,” Jim teased.

Blair blushed and pushed by Jim.

“Why are you blushing, Chief?” Jim wondered.

“Sometimes it bothers me a little when you listen in on me when I’m in the bathroom. It freaks me out, man.”

“Sorry, Chief. I’ll try and be good from now on. See you upstairs,” Jim shut the door and began his nightly routine.

Blair climbed the stairs and hoped that Jim wasn’t in the mood for any sex that night because it was the last thing on Blair’s mind. Blair couldn’t think straight and wasn’t going to be able to until he went downstairs. You’ve gotta destroy the evidence.

Jim locked up the loft, climbed the stairs and slid into bed beside Blair and cuddled with him. “Man, am I beat,” Jim said casually.

“So am I. Let’s just get a good nights sleep tonight,” Blair said as he turned to give Jim a kiss good night.

Jim kissed him and once again felt bad because he knew that Blair’s heart wasn’t in it. He also knew that Blair was lying about something. He hoped that Blair would come to him about it soon, so it didn’t drive him crazy, but he had a feeling that Blair was holding in something big. This worried Jim to no end.

Before long both of them fell asleep in each others arms. Or at least Blair thought so.

~~~~~

Blair woke up at 3:00 and heard soft snores coming from Jim’s side of the bed. He snuck out of the bed and tip toed down the stairs as quietly as he could. Once inside the office, he shut the doors and turned on the light. He went directly to the dresser in the office and opened the top drawer. He pulled out the papers and started ripping them up one at a time. He didn’t want Jim finding them at all. When he was done, he shut the light out and climbed back up the stairs and crawled into bed.

When he got there he noticed that Jim wasn’t softly snoring anymore and he looked over at his lover's face in the dark and saw his eyes open. Oh fuck, Jim isn’t sleeping.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Blair asked as calmly as he could.

“Waiting for you to get done whatever you were doing that’s bothering you so much tonight.”

“I just remembered something I forgot to do. That’s all. Everything will be fine,” Blair said as he scooted back against Jim’s body and snuggled.

Jim decided to let Blair off the hook for then and held him close. Jim said, “I love you.”

Blair replied, “I love you.”

Suddenly Jim wasn’t so worried anymore. He knew that Blair meant exactly what he had said. So whatever was bothering him had to be something non-personal. This made Jim feel much better and he was lulled into sleep by the sound of Blair’s heartbeat next to his own.

~~~~~

The next day at the station, Jim noticed Blair looking at him oddly now and then, but that was the only difference he could see. Jim wasn’t going to raise a fuss about it, because he’d rather believe that things were fine. Blair would come to him when the time came.

~~~~~

Connor walked up to Jim’s desk while Blair was getting coffee and said, “Hey Jimbo, did Blair discover what’s wrong with you?”

“What do you mean, what’s wrong with me? There’s nothing wrong with me,” Jim answered quickly.

“Well, he’s worried about you being so quiet lately and I’ve noticed too. You seem a little better today. Are things all right?” Connor asked.

Jim looked totally confused and he said, “I told you, I’m fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh…Well forget it then,” Connor said and moved off to her desk, cussing the entire way.

Blair got to his desk and sat down and handed Jim his coffee. Jim took it from him and asked, “So why didn’t you tell me you were worried about me?”

Blair glared at Connor. He knew she must have said something. Damn, but she was a menace. “You’ve just been so quiet lately, I was just wondering if she noticed. No big deal.”

“Blair, if you’re worried about me, why didn’t you come and talk to me? Why would you talk to Connor first?” Jim truly did wonder.

“I’m an idiot? Why else? I’m sorry I called her while you were on stakeout, but she didn’t know what was wrong with you either, so it’s not like we traded secrets,” Blair admitted.

“So you called her while I was on stakeout? Was something bothering you that much?” Jim asked.

“No, I just hate when you get all quiet in the bullpen and you have been lately, so I asked if she noticed. That’s all,” Blair replied.

“Chief, from now on, ask me. Don’t call Connor. Okay?”

“Okay…” Blair said quietly.

“I’m not mad at you, Chief.”

“Oh good because I hate when you’re mad at me,” Blair answered.

“Let’s get some work done so we can go home sometime today,” Jim said as he pulled out a file.

~~~~~

When they got home that night, Blair started collecting all the trash in the house. The next day was trash day and Blair didn’t want the evidence in the house one minute longer.

Jim watched him collecting and said, “How come you’re doing my job, Blair?”

“I didn’t know it was just your job. I thought it was something we shared,” Blair explained.

“Blair, when was the last time you took out the trash?” Jim asked. He was daring Blair to make something up.

“Fine. I was trying to help. Take it yourself,” Blair said as he handed the big bag of trash to Jim. It was all tied up and everything.

“You’ve taken it this far, may as well take it the rest of the way,” Jim said.

“Nope, I’m not in the mood now. Do it yourself,” Blair walked away, washed his hands and started making dinner.

Jim growled something under his breath and walked down the stairs with the trash.

Blair was making stir fried chicken for dinner and he was trying to keep his mind on the recipe while listening for Jim to come back up stairs. He had a deep seeded fear that Jim was going to go through the trash. Blair started laughing when he realized how stupid that sounded. He got back into the swing of getting dinner done. Blair heard Jim come back up and talking to one of the neighbors.

When Jim walked through the door, Blair was singing a sweet love song that almost made Jim smile. At this moment, he had other things on his mind. So smiling was out.

Blair smiled at him when he saw he was back. “It took you long enough. Did one of the neighbors trap you into talking or something?”

“Mr. Nelson from next door was on the elevator with me. He had to fill me in on the latest gossip for the building,” Jim said quietly.

Blair said, “You all right?”

“I thought I might lie down before dinner. Will you wake me up when it’s time to eat?”

“Sure, go relax, I’ll come and get you,” Blair said calmly. He had no idea that he had turned Jim’s world upside down.

Blair made the rest of the dinner, cooked the white rice and made a wonderful salad. He walked up the stairs and found Jim facing the other way. He touched Jim’s shoulder and said, “Time for dinner, babe.”

“I’ll be right down,” Jim answered.

Blair walked down the stairs, not knowing that Jim was on the edge of breaking in two.

Jim walked down the stairs and sat at the table next to Blair. They began to eat but Blair noticed that Jim wasn’t really eating his food, he was just moving it from one side of the plate to the other.

“Jim, what’s wrong?”

“We’ll talk after dinner,” Jim replied softly.

Blair looked scared to death and said, “No, we’ll talk now. What’s wrong?”

“Have you ever wondered why I don’t talk about my mom?” Jim blurted out.

Blair’s face just fell. He knew immediately that Jim had looked through the trash. Fuck, fuck, fuck…

Blair finally got the nerve to say something. “Jim, I’m so sorry about what I did. I started out wanting to help you. I truly did.”

“And you thought that bringing my mother back into my life would help me? Even after you saw the charges? When did it occur to you that this was none of your fucking business?” Jim almost shouted.

Blair pushed his chair back when Jim yelled. Jim never yelled at him. But this time, Jim had a really good reason to yell. Jim had a really good reason to break up with him for good.

“Christ, I’m so sorry Jim. Connor said something about it being Mother’s Day soon and maybe that’s why you were so quiet. I took it upon myself to find out where she was in case you didn’t know. I truly did want it to be good news. I wanted to be able to tell you where she was and that we could go see her if you wanted to. I’m so, so, so, sorry.”

“Blair, I’ve never thought about hitting you but when I saw what was in the trash, I wanted to. I wanted to make sure you knew how I felt about it. But then of course my logic took over before I hurt you. Why didn’t your logic take over before you hurt me?

“If you want to hit me, I would totally understand, Jim. I mean it. I would let you. I would feel better if you did hit me,” Blair said, on the verge of tears, but not wanting to break down in front of Jim.

“I don’t want to talk to you anymore tonight. I might say something I could never take back. I’m going upstairs and I want to be left alone all fucking night long. Understood?”

“I understand, Jim.”

“I’m glad one of us does,” Jim said as he rushed up the stairs.

Blair cleaned up the dining room table, put the food away and then washed the dishes. He was trying to stay busy but didn’t know what else to do.

He sat down on the sofa and flipped through one of his old Anthropology books. He wasn’t paying attention to anything. He wanted to be upstairs with Jim, but he knew he couldn’t push the man he loved any more then he already had.

Blair heard Jim tossing and turning in the bed above and again wanted to go up there, but felt he didn’t belong anymore. Instead he grabbed his jacket, his car keys and left the loft. He needed some fresh air. He needed to be away from Jim and Jim needed some time alone.

~~~~~

Blair sat in his car downstairs and just looked as cars drove by. He wasn’t going anywhere. He just wanted to be out of Jim’s way. He had a feeling that Jim was going to break up with him over this. Jim wouldn’t be able to trust him any longer.

Blair laid his forehead on the steering wheel and sighed very loudly. It was one of those sighs that sounds like you’ve lost your best friend. He stayed in this position until he heard someone knock on the window. Blair jumped and almost screamed like a girl. He would have, had it not been for the fact that it was Jim.

Blair rolled the window down and said, “I was trying to give you space.”

“Come back upstairs. I’ve had enough space. Come on,” Jim said as he opened Blair’s door. “Why is your door unlocked? I could have been some weirdo.”

“You are some weirdo,” Blair teased.

“Yeah, but I’m your weirdo, right?” Jim asked nervously.

Blair got out of the car and went into Jim’s arms. “You’ll always be my weirdo. I love you so much, it hurts.”

“Come on upstairs and we’ll talk,” Jim put his hand over Blair’s hand and they walked that way up to the loft. Blair was shocked. Jim had never showed an open display of affection at the loft. Neighbors could see them and Jim worried about that. He wasn’t tonight. Blair was glad.

Once inside the loft, Jim said, “Sit down and I’ll tell you my story. Then we’ll never bring it up again.”

“Jim, you don’t have to tell me anything. I don’t deserve to know,” Blair remarked.

“You deserved to know before tonight, but I never felt like I could tell anyone. The only people that know are my dad, my brother and the courts. It was all taken care of easily. She was sentenced without having us testify. She wanted it that way. She wanted to see us before she left but my dad of course wouldn’t let her. She sexually abused me for two years and Steven for one. When I found out about her and Steven I went to my dad and told him. I didn’t think he would believe me, but he marched into Steven’s room and found my mother with Steven. He called the police right away and told us we could never tell anyone of our friends or they would look at us differently. He was ashamed of all of us. My dad got quieter and colder as the years went on. I think he never forgave me for making him discover it. Then again, you’ve got me and my dad talking to each other again and he doesn’t act like he used to when I was young. Steven and I never brought it up to each other again. He’s never asked me anything about it and I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask him anything. We were both very ashamed. It’s a shameful, terrible thing to go through. I don’t wish it on any child.

Jim began to pace and took a deep breath, never really looking at Blair. “My grandparents, my mom’s parents, tried to talk dad out of pressing charges. They said they would take care of things, but my dad said no, he wanted her in prison. No one was going to touch his boys. I think he actually meant it too. He didn’t know how to show his affection, especially after that. So when he said that, my mind remembered it. Then my grandparents said it was my fault. I had caused all of it and they were going to tell everyone in court that I asked for it. But my father went to see my mother and they made a deal. She could do less time if she pleaded guilty without a trial. So that’s what she did. That’s about all there is to it, Blair. There is nothing else. I’m sorry I didn’t let you know so that you felt the need to go behind my back. I know you were trying to do the right thing, but it doesn’t always work out that way does it?” Jim finally sat down next to Blair and gave him a sad smile.

“Jim, I love you so much. That’s all I can really think of to say. I think your dad did a poor job of handling it back then, but I think he did the best he could for who he was. He was afraid that others would find out. You’re right, people make it shameful. It’s not. It’s only shameful for the person that does it to the kids. The family is always left to suffer. You dad might have blamed you for a number of years because his wife was gone because you spoke up. He wouldn’t feel that way today, but that was then, this is now. I’m sorry I searched for her. I’m sorry I dug into your past without asking. I’m sorry I brought up all of these sad feelings. I’m sorry I couldn’t just leave well enough alone. So basically I’m sorry. Are we all right?” Blair asked in a scared voice.

Jim pulled him into his arms and said, “I was afraid that you wouldn’t want me anymore. Damaged goods and all that. God, I’m such a coward sometimes.”

“Babe, you’re always going to be in my life. It would take a hell of a lot more then this to break us up, right?” Blair asked still in Jim’s arms.

Jim kissed Blair’s neck and answered, “Yes, a lot more then this. I love you too.”

Blair leaned back into the sofa pulling Jim along with him. “I’m exhausted, are you?”

“Yes, I’m ready for bed whenever you are,” Jim replied.

“Let’s go to bed and just hold each other. We need to remind each other of what we mean to the other one. We can show that with lying in each other’s arms all night long. I don’t want you to let me go even once,” Blair ordered.

“I won’t let you go. I promise to never let you go,” Jim said.

They walked up the stairs together, hand in hand and stripped and slid into bed. Jim was the first one to grab hold of Blair and hold on for dear life. Blair was certain that Jim wasn’t going to ever let him go. Not just in bed, but in life. Blair smiled as he fell asleep and Jim followed close behind.

The end


End file.
